[Mem。——ThefollowingissupposedtobeanextractfromthediaryofthePepysofthatday，thesamebeingQueenElizabeth’scup—bearer。Heissupposedtobeofancientandnoblelineage；thathedespisestheseliterarycanaille；thathissoulconsumeswithwrath，toseethequeenstoopingtotalkwithsuch；andthattheoldmanfeelsthathisnobilityisdefiledbycontactwithShakespeare，etc。，andyethehasgottostaytheretillherMajestychoosestodismisshim。]

YESTERNIGHT

tokehermaisteyequeeneafantasiesuchasshesometimeshath，andhadtoherclosetcertainthatdoewriteplayes，bokes，andsuchlike，thesebeingmylordBacon，hisworshipSirWalterRalegh，Mr。BenJonson，andyechildFrancisBeaumonte，whichbeingbutsixteen，hathyetturnedhishandtoyedoingofyeLattinmastersintoourEnglishetong，withgretediscretionandmuchapplaus。AlsocamewiththeseyefamousShaxpur。A

rightestraungemixingtrulyofmightyblodewithmean，yemoreinespecialsinceyequeenesgracewaspresent，aslikewisethesefollowing，towit：YeDuchessofBilgewater，twenty—twoyeresofage；yeCountesseofGranby，twenty—six；herdoter，yeLadyHelen，fifteen；asalsothesetwomaidesofhonor，to—wit，yeLadyMargeryBoothy，sixty—five，andyeLadyAliceDilberry，turnedseventy，shebeingtwoyeresyequeenesgraceselder。

Ibeinghermaitescup—bearer，hadnochoicebuttoremaineandbeholderankforgot，andyehighholdeconversewhyelowasupponequaltermes，agretescandaldidyeworldhearethereof。

Inyeheatofyetalkitbefelytonedidbreakewind，yieldinganexcedingmightieanddistresfullstink，whereatalldidlaughfullsore，andthen——

YeQueene。——VerilyinmineeightandsixtyyereshaveInotheardthefellowtothisfart。Meseemeth，byyegretesoundandclamourofit，itwasmale；yetyebellyitdidlurkbehindeshouldenowfallleanandflatagainstyespineofhimythathbenedeliveredofsostatelyandsowasteabulk，whereasyegutsofthemytdoequiff—splittersbear，standcomelystillandrounde。Pritheeletyeauthorconfessyeoffspring。

WillmyLadyAlicetestify？

LadyAlice。——Goodyourgrace，an’Ihadroomforsuchathundergustwithinmineancientbowels，’tisnotinreasonIcouldedischargeyesameandlivetothankGodforytHedidchoosehandmaidsohumblewherebytoshewhispower。Nay，’tisnotIythavebroughteforththisricho’ermasteringfog，thisfragrantgloom，soprayyouseekeyefurther。

YeQueene。——MayhapyeLadyMargeryhathdoneyecompaniethisfavor？

LadyMargery。——Sopleaseyoumadam，mylimbsarefeeblewhyeweighteanddrouthoffiveandsixtywinters，anditbehovethytIbetenderuntothem。InyegoodprovidenceofGod，an’Ihadcontainedthiswonder，forsoothewoldeIhavegi’en’yewholeeveningofmysinkinglifetoyedribblingofitforth，withtremblinganduneasysoul，notlauncheditsuddeninitsmatchlessmight，takingmineownlifewithviolence，rendingmyweakframelikerottenrags。ItwasnotI，yourmaisty。

YeQueene。——O’God’sname，whohathfavoredus？Hathitcometopassytafartshallfartitself？Notsuchaoneasthis，Itrow。YoungMasterBeaumont——butno；’twouldhavewaftedhimtoheavenlikedownofgoose’sboddy。’TwasnotyelittleLadyHelen——nay，ne’erblush，mychild；

thoul’tticklethytendermaidenheddewithmanyamousie—squeakbeforethoulearnesttoblowaharricanelikethis。Wasn’tyou，mylearnedandingeniousJonson？

Jonson。——Sofellablasthathne’ermineearssaluted，noryetastenchsoall—pervadingandimmortal。’Twasnotanovicedidit，goodyourmaisty，butoneofveteranexperience——elsehaddehefailedofconfidence。InsoothitwasnotI。

YeQueene。——MylordBacon？

LordBacon。—Notfrommyleaneentraileshaththisprodigyburstforth，sopleaseyourgrace。Naughtdothsobefityegreteasgreteperformance；

andhaplyshallyefindeyt’tisnotfrommediocritythismiraclehathissued。

[Tho’yesubjoctbebutafart，yetwillthistedioussinkoflearningpondrouslyphillosophize。Meantimedidthefoulanddeadlystinkpervadeallplacestothatdegree，ytneversmeltIyelike，yetdareInottoleaveyepresence，albeitIwasliketosuffocate。]

YeQueene。——WhatsaithyeworshipfulMasterShaxpur？

Shaxpur。——InthegreathandofGodIstandandsoproclaimmineinnocence。Thoughyesinlesshostsofheavenhadforetoldyecomingofthismostdesolatingbreath，proclaimingitaworkofuninspiredman，itsquakingthunders，itsfirmament—cloggingrottennesshisownachievementinduecourseofnature，yethadnotIbelievedit；buthadsaidthepititselfhathfurnishedforththestink，andheaven’sartilleryhathshooktheglobeinadmirationofit。

[Thenwasthereasilence，andeachdidturnhimtowardtheworshipfulSrWalterRalegh，thatbrowned，embattled，bloodyswashbuckler，whorisingupdidsmile，andsimperingsay，]

SrW。——Mostgraciousmaisty，’twasIthatdidit，butindeeditwassopoorandfrailanote，comparedwithsuchasIamwonttofurnish，ytinsoothIwasashamedtocalltheweaklingmineinsoaugustapresence。

Itwasnothing——lessthannothing，madam——Ididitbuttoclearmynetherthroat；buthadIcomeprepared，thenhadIdeliveredsomethingworthy。

Bearwithme，pleaseyourgrace，tillIcanmakeamends。

[Thendeliveredhehimselfofsuchagodlessandrock—shiveringblastthatallwerefaintostoptheirears，andfollowingitdidcomesodenseandfoulastinkthatthatwhichwentbeforedidseemapoorandtriflingthingbesideit。Thensaithhe，feigningthatheblushedandwasconfused，IperceivethatIamweakto—day，andcannotjusticedountomypowers；andsathimdownaswhoshouldsay，There，itisnotmuchyethethathathanarsetospare，lethimfellowthat，an’hethinkhecan。ByGod，an’Iwereyequeene，Iwoulde’entipthisswaggeringbraggartouto’thecourt，andlethimairhisgrandeursandbreakhisintolerablewindbeforeyedeafandsuchassuffocationpleaseth。]

Thenfelltheytotalkaboutyemannersandcustomsofmanypeoples，andMasterShaxpurspakeofyebokeofyesieurMichaeldeMontaine，whereinwasmentionofyecustomofwidowsofPerigordtowearupponyeheaddress，insignofwidowhood，ajewelinyesimilitudeofaman’smemberwiltedandlimber，whereatyequeenedidlaughandsaywidowsinEnglanddoewearprickestoo，butbetwixtthethighs，andnotwiltedneither，tillcoitionhathdonethatofficeforthem。MasterShaxpurdidlikewiseobservehowytyesieurdeMontainehathalsospokenofacertainemperorofsuchmightyprowessthathedidtaketenmaidenheddesinyecompassofasinglenight，yewhilehisempressdidentertaintwoandtwentylustyknightsbetweenhersheetes，yetwasnotsatisfied；

whereatyemerrieCountessGranbysaitharamisyetyeemperor’ssuperior，sithhewiltupaboveahundredyewes’twixtsunandsun；andafter，ifhecanhavenonemoretoshag，willmasturbateuntilhehathenrich’dwholeacreswithhisseed。

Thenspakeyedamnedwindmill，SrWalter，ofapeopleinyeuttermostpartsofAmerica，ytcapulatenotuntiltheybefiveandthirtyyeresofage，yewomenbeingeightandtwenty，anddoitthenbutonceinsevenyeres。

YeQueene。——HowdoththatlikemylittleLadyHelen？Shallwesendtheethitherandpreservethybelly？

LadyHelen。——Pleaseyourhighnessesgrace，mineoldnursehathtoldmetherearemorewaysofservingGodthanbylockingthethighstogether；

yetamIwillingtoservehimytwaytoo，sithyourhighnessesgracehathsetyeensample。

YeQueene。——God’wowndesagoodanswer，childe。

LadyAlice。——Mayhap’twillweakenwhenyehairsproutsbelowyenavel。

LadyHelen。——Nay，itsproutedtwoyeressyne；Icanscarcemorethancoveritwithmyhandnow。

YeQueene。——HearYethat，mylittleBeaumonte？Haveyenotalittlebirdeaboutyethatstirsathearingtellofsosweeteaneste？

Beaumonte。——’Tisnotinsensible，illustriousmadam；butmousingowlsandbatsoflowdegreemaynotaspiretoblisssowhelmingandecstaticasisfoundinyedownynestsofbirdesofParadise。

YeQueene。——ByyegulletofGod，’tisaneat—turnedcompliment。Withsuchatongueasthine，lad，thou’ltspreadtheivorythighsofmanyawillingmaideinthygoodtime，an’thycod—piecebeashandyasthyspeeche。

ThenspakeyequeeneofhowshemetoldRabelaiswhenshewasturnedoffifteen，andhedidtellherofamanhisfatherknewthathadadoublepairofbollocks，whereonacontroversyfollowedasconcerningthemostjustwaytospelltheword，yecontentionrunninghighbetwixtyelearnedBaconandyeingeniousJonson，untilatlastyeoldLadyMargery，wearyingofitall，saith，’Gentles，whatmatterethithowyeshallspelltheword？IwarrantYewhenyeuseyourbollocksyeshallnotthinkofit；andmyLadyGranby，beyecontent；letthespellingbe，yeshallenjoythebeatingofthemonyourbuttocksjustthesame，Itrow。BeforeIhadgainedmyfourteenthyearIhadlearntthatthemthatwouldexploreacuntstop’dnottoconsiderthespellingo’t。’

SrW。——Insooth，whenashift’sturnedup，delayismeetfornaughtbutdalliance。Boccacciohathastoryofapriestthatdidbeguileamaidintohiscell，thenknelthiminacornertoprayforgracetoberightlythankfulforthistendermaidenheadyeLordhadsenthim；butyeabbot，spyingthroughyekey—hole，didseeatuftofbrownishhairwithfairwhitefleshaboutit，whereforewhenyepriest’sprayerwasdone，hischancewasgone，forasmuchasyelittlemaidhadbutyeonecunt，andthatwasalreadyoccupiedtohercontent。

Thenconversedtheyofreligion，andyemightieworkyeolddeadLutherdiddoebyyegraceofGod。Thennextaboutpoetry，andMasterShaxpurdidredeapartofhisKingHenryIV。，yewhich，itseemethuntome，isnotofyevalueofanarsefullofashes，yettheypraiseditbravely，oneandall。

Yesamedidredeaportionofhis\"VenusandAdonis，\"totheirprodigiousadmiration，whereasI，beingsleepyandfatiguedwithal，diddemeitbutpaltrystuff，andwasthemorediscomfortedinthatyeblodybucanierhadgothiswindagain，anddidturnhismindtofartingwithsuchvillainzealthatpresentlyIwasliketochokeoncemore。Goddamnthiswindyruffianandallhisbreed。Iwoldethathellmightegethim。

TheytalkedaboutyewonderfuldefensewhicholdSr。NicholasThrogmortondidmakeforhimselfbeforeyejudgesinyetimeofMary；whichwasunluckymattertobroach，sithitfetchedoutyequenewitha’Pityythe，havingsomuchwit，hadyetnotenoughtosavehisdoter’smaidenheddesoundforhermarriage—bed。’Andyequenedidgiveyedamn’dSr。Walteralookytmadehymwince——forshehathnotforgothewasherownloveritytoldeday。Therewassilentuncomfortablenessnow；’twasnotagoodturnfortalktotake，sithifyequeenemustfindoffenseinalittleharmlessdebauching，whenprickswerestiffandcuntsnotloathetotakeyestiffnessoutofthem，whoofthiscompanywassinless；

behold，wasnotyewifeofMasterShaxpurfourmonthsgonewithchildwhenshestooduppebeforeyealtar？WasnotherGraceofBilgewaterroger’dbyfourlordsbeforeshehadahusband？WasnotyelittleLadyHelenbornonhermother’swedding—day？And，beholde，werenotyeLadyAliceandyeLadyMargerythere，mouthingreligion，whoresfromyecradle？

IntimecametheytodiscourseofCervantes，andofthenewpainter，Rubens，thatisbeginningtobeheardof。Finewordsanddainty—wroughtphrasesfromtheladiesnow，oneortwoofthembeing，inotherdays，pupilsofthatpoorass，Lille，himself；andImarkedhowthatJonsonandShaxpurdidfidgettodischargesomevenomofsarcasm，yetdaredtheynotinthepresence，thequeene’sgracebeingyeveryflowerofyeEuphuistsherself。Butbehold，thesebetheyyt，havingaspecialty，andadmiringitinthemselves，bejealouswhenaneighbordothessayeit，norcanabideitinthemlong。Wherefore’twasobservableytyequenewaxeduncontent；andintimelabor’dgrandiosespeecheoutofyemouthofLadyAlice，whomanifestlydidmightilyprideherselfthereon，didquiteexhausteyequene’sendurance，wholistenedtillyegaudyspeechewasdone，thenliftedupherbrows，andwithvasteirony，mincingsaith’O

shit！’Whereattheyalledidlaffe，butnotyeLadyAlice，ytoldefoolishbitche。

NowwasSr。WaltermindedofataleheoncedidhearyeingeniousMargretteofNavarrerelate，aboutamaid，whichbeingliketosufferrapebyanoldearchbishoppe，didsmartlycontriveadevicetosavehermaidenhedde，andsaidtohim，First，mylord，Iprithee，takeoutthyholytoolandpissbeforeme；whichdoing，lohismemberfelle，andwouldnotriseagain。